Not A Jewish Mother

The BEST update ever?

2009-10-24T20:52:00.001-07:00

Thanks for all your good wishes.
B"H I had a baby girl Purim time.

14 w 4d

2008-09-16T12:09:00.000-07:00

B"H, all appears to be well. We had a tough first 12 weeks, which included a trip to ER and major panic over HCG numbers. Still, everything measured ok at 12 weeks and so here we are at 14 weeks and 4 days.

We're not doing any testing, so the next big appointment is not until the 20 weeks scan. I hope my anxiety levels don't increase. I'm finding it hard, as most of the classic pregnancy symptoms have gone, and I'm sitting here wondering if the baby is still growing. The IVF clinic spoilt us by doing a scan every 2 weeks for 8 weeks. It was amazing to see him/her growing, sucking their thumb, kicking their legs. It's something I miss so much.

The OB wants me to see a psychologist about the anxiety. I don't feel it's needed, and given that it's fuel by factors that I can't control (something happening to the baby, my marriage, financial worries), I'm not sure its worth me schlepping miles on the bus to see one.

The little embryo that could?

2008-07-14T08:40:00.000-07:00

Went to my GP yesterday to have my HCG levels checked. B"H, they'd increased from 139 on Wednesday to 1125 on Sunday.

Nice increase, but low numbers for 5 weeks pregnant.

Thanks for all your comments. Ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday, so we'll see how the bean is progressing.

What was I thinking?

2008-07-10T14:10:00.000-07:00

I'd actually begun to think that I might be having a baby. You know, just like all those other women I see on my block, in shul, in the store. I was going to be like any other frum woman around here. Busy with her kids, kvetching about school fees, being like a typical frummy mommy.

Yesterdays beta was low. I had only gone from 37 to 149 in a week. The ultrasound did show implantation, and the blob we saw on screen was measuring at 4 weeks 4 days, which is only one day less than it should be.

I asked the clinic to repeat the bloodwork tomorrow, but they refused. I have to wait until next wednesday for a follow up appointment.

Just how I'll get through this week, I don't know. I'm sick of waiting for results, waiting for my life to start, waiting for my husband to finally grow up and be an adult. I'm sick of waiting to be happy.

What a difference a day makes

2008-07-03T17:44:00.000-07:00

The final beta showed that the numbers had more than doubled, which I guess means I'm, well,um,

PREGNANT!!!!!

3 out of 3

2008-07-02T14:19:00.000-07:00

Used the 3rd and final pregnancy test.

Negative.

Final beta tomorrow.

Another waste of time and money

2008-07-01T12:14:00.000-07:00

11dpo- finally caved in and bought a home pregnancy test. 3 in fact, at a cost of $20 that I really can't spare.

Of course, I got my usual one line negative reading.

I keep trying to convince myself it's way to early. But a negative with no pregnancy symptoms doesn't point to a happy ending.

Second beta is on Thursday. The first blood test was this morning, but the clinic won't give out results until the second test. We'll have to wait and see.

Well...

2008-06-29T21:57:00.000-07:00

...the good news is the doc ok'd PIO until after the beta.

The not-so-good-news is 4dpt (9dpo) not a single pregnancy symptom. With my other pregnancies I had symptoms after 7dpo.

I'm trying not to worry, but it's difficult not to. In the back of my mind I also stress over how we'll afford another cycle, as most of our insurance has been used up. I don't think Bonei Olam will help as my husband earns too much (but sadly also owes much more). One thought we had was for me to move to Israel and get treatment there. My husband could possibly work out there for 6 months, but after that he'd want to come back here.

So many questions! I hope you, dear reader, are having a much happier time. If not, I've just baked some delicious chocolate Brownies and I'm happy to share them with you.

A pulling out hair moment

2008-06-24T20:41:00.000-07:00

Well, it would be if I had much under my sheital.

G-d willing we transfer tomorrow. However, when checking the procedure time with one of the nurses, I was informed that after transfer I'm off PIO injections and only take Prometrium.

Now most people would be happy being told to stop stabbing themselves with a needle 2x a day, but not me. My last cycle failed because for some reason my body refused to absorb Prometrium. Nobody can explain why, it just didn;t.

As much as I loathe the injections, I feel that they are a tried and tested way of delivering the hormone. Yes, there is research that says gel etc does just a good a job, but it simply doesn't work for me.

I hope the doc will see it my way and continue with the PIO. I don't want to argue with her, but the clinic seem adamant that it stops after transfer. We'll have to wait until the morning to find out.

FYI

2008-06-22T18:40:00.000-07:00

For those of you who haven't experienced it, OHSS is painful. Very painful.

Until the OHSS, this cycle was pretty uneventful. Now I'm curled up in bed, finding every movement painful.

Please Hashem, let this treatment work. I can't keep on going through this.

Here we go...again

2008-05-20T18:42:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm sure you won't be surprised to hear that very little has been going on here in Unfriendly Town. Living in Beis NAJM is about exciting as watching alfalfa grow. Possibly even less so.

Lots of people have had babies. Of course I'm not among those people.

I quit my job.

We went from being up to the eye balls in debt to being way way over our heads ( me not working didn't exactly improve matters).

I consider leaving my marriage at least once a day.

I have 2 new best friends. Their names are Zoloft and Xanax.

So, in the midst of all this, what's the most logical thing to do? Yes, thats right START ANOTHER IVF CYCLE!!!

Back to Reality

2007-12-08T18:45:00.000-08:00

After a few fuzzy happy days, thinking I might actually be pregnant, everything starts to go wrong. This morning I woke up with bad cramps, went to the bathroom and found I was bleeding.

I mean really bleeding, not the mild sounding "implantation spotting" I'd been told of, but bright red, heavy bleeding that still hasn't stopped. It's not bad enough for an ER visit, and no way I'm calling the KGB clinic tonight. It's doubtful they'd get back to me anyway. I called a few times last week after they failed to call us with an update on the freezing of our 3 unused embies. I'm sure the only time they will call is to collect payment.

I almost wish it were a little heavier so we could go to ER, and then at least they could do an u/s and blood tests to give us at least some idea of whats going on. I keep doing Internet searches, but come up with nothing relevant to bleeding so much 5dpt.

Guess I'm just a freak.

Only One?

2007-12-05T09:42:00.000-08:00

Transfer was yesterday. Thank G-d, it went well. The KGB Clinic kept us waiting over an hour after the appointment time, with no news of how many had survived, or without discussing the number we would like to be transferred. Communicating with clients is not important for them.

Finally we were taken through, and after about 20 mins the Doc walks in and tells us that 4 made it, with 2 very good and 2 okish embryos. He then announced that today he would transfer the 2 good ones and could we sign on the dotted line as he's running late. Much to his surprise I refused to have 2 transferred, and asked for just one. The Doc looked at me as if I'd grown two heads. "Remind me", he said, "how many kids to you have already?". Now dear reader, I'm sitting in an IVF clinic, with a doctor who was supposed to be in charge of my case, and he asks me that? Does this man ever read notes? Or perhaps he lacks the ability to retain basic information. "None" I replied, "but if you look at my medical history you'd fully understand why twins could result in a very high risk situation."

I'm 35, very overweight, and have a condition that could lead to many complications in pregnancy. I've also worked in Early Intervention for the past 7 years, and have come across so many twins who were preemies and behind in their development. Much as I would love to have twins, medically it's just not a good idea. Still the doctor pressed on, with 2 embryos transferred I'd have a 50% chance of pregnancy, and only 35% chance with one. It was a tough decision, but transferring one felt like the best option.

The actual transfer went ok. I was yelled at because in the hour wait I had no choice but to make a bathroom visit. There is no way I could hold a full bladder for the two hours we were there.

One good thing about the 5 day transfer is that it cuts down the dreaded 2ww to 9 days. I'm scheduled for a blood test next Wednesday.

Still feels like a long, anxious wait.

Stressed :(

2007-12-03T06:27:00.000-08:00

Well, 18 follicles, 11 eggs rettreived resulting in 8 embryos.

However, the KGB Clinic decided to do a 5 day blatocyst transfer without informing us of the risks to the embryos. I had no idea, but most don't make it to 5 days, and it's even possible to end up with none. They also don't freeze/ thaw as well. I sent off an email this morning, asking for an update.

Can you believe this?

Still waiting...

Countdown has begun!

2007-11-28T14:49:00.000-08:00

::Taking a deep breath::

Retrieval is tomorrow.

Transfer IYH, Tuesday.

Then comes the dreaded 2ww.

Oh, no...

2007-11-18T15:10:00.000-08:00

Well, we survived last Shabbos as rent-a-parents. I tried to stay positive, despite some rather trying episodes, and it worked out well. We got a shock just before we arrived at their house. I finally called the mother (who had communicated only by text all week) to ask the door code, and at this point she informed us that "12 high school girls will also be staying for Shabbos". Er, say that again? You forgot to tell us this? As it worked out the girls were out for both meals, and were very sweet when at home. Still, 3 kids, 12 high school girls and 3 pet birds made for a busy time.
The IVF meds didn't make things any easier. Lupron has made me bloated, tired and now it seems, has raised my blood pressure from a usual 110/70 to 134/96. I had the Doc paged today (Sunday), to check if I should still continue on the Lupron- which I have been taking for 16 days now, and I've never heard of anyone taking just Lupron at the start of their cycle for so long. The average appears to be 12 days. Of course the KGB Klinik won't tell me why I've been taking it so long. The Doc returned the page and said to keep taking the Lupron, and I should go to bed for the rest of the day.
High blood pressure can happen in pregnancy- but what do you do when the medication you are taking trying to get pregnant gives you hypertension? Moreover, do I really want to start a pregnancy already with high blood pressure? And on bedrest?? Not the most auspicious of beginnings.
I keep thinking, perhaps I should switch to IUI. I'm not sure about this, as the clinic hasn't shared the results of my husbands SA yet, apart from saying we shouldn't need ICSI when the time comes. One of the reasons I chose IVF was that the Rabbi would not allow for a SA until the actual IUI procedure was taking place. I would have to go through all the IUI treatment, with the chance it might be cancelled at the last minute due to a low sperm count. That, I decided, was too risky. I've undergone 2 years of testing a 3 different clinics, and the problems highlighted we ones to do with staying pregnant, not getting pregnant. So I came to the conclusion that maybe the issue was with my husband.
Really not sure what to do, my dear readers, apart from ponder why life is so so complex.

Rent-A-Family

2007-11-05T10:40:00.000-08:00

It happened when I was (an older) single, and now as a nebbech IF married couple. The phone rings- could we move in for Shabbos/ a few days/ a week to look after the children while the parents go away. We got such a call yesterday, to move in over Shabbos to babysit 3 kids (two with psychological problems). Since we've started our first IVf cycle and have enough to deal with, I said no, but was finally guilty tripped into it.
I didn't mind babysitting when I was single, it was something to do especially after all my class married and had kids. I sometimes even let myself pretend that I was married, with kids, doing the school run in a mini van (oh, the glamour!). I'd smile and dream about the future. Now its apparent that my future isn't quite like I expected, and for some reason I find being asked to babysit very insensitive ("It's easy for you to just pack up and move in for Shabbos"). Perhaps I'm oversensitive, just like the women around me who have a baby ever year and expect me to step in when they get tired, are insensitive, spoiled and immature.

Lost In Translation

2007-10-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

Well, the good news is I'm set to start on Lupron next week - which means the start of our first IVF cycle!

Let's hope it's the first and last. Not only for the glaringly obvious reason, but because of THE CLINIC! I know I've moaned about them before- poor Nurse Natalia's phone phobia has developed into a phone/fax and email one. Boy, she really needs to get help. How am I supposed to communicate with her? Smoke signals? Carrier Pigeon? Owl?

I think the problem is that the clinic is Russian owned and run, and so Nurse Nat can just about string a sentence together in English. I'm sure if I could converse in Russian, she's answer my questions fully. If I ask open questions, she's stuck (an example: "So Natalia do what happens when I next come into the clinic?" NN "Well, it depends". "Depends on what, NN? "I do bloods and ultrasound day 21. If ok, you start medication" "What medication, NN?" "Well, that depends...") See what I mean? I finally called the front desk and asked for a copy of the prescription to be faxed over, and called the insurance myself. Another thing NN didn't tell me was that the meds are all injectables (although I'd worked this out by reading other info online). So I call back, and...shock..NN picks up again! "Can I arrange my injectable lesson with you NN?" "No, I do not do lesson" " I thought you were my IVF coordinator?" "Yes, that is correct." Finally, I give in and call the front desk again, who tell me that a different nurse does the injectable lessons.
$15,000 they're charging me readers, and they really can't answer my questions.

Mikvah Misadventures

2007-10-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

Well, I survived Yom Tov. I did cheat a little by either staying in (Simchas Torah is the hardest, watching all those fathers and sons dance together) or eating by people I was pretty sure wouldn't make hurtful comments.
My mood was quite stable, but then we had mikvah night! Most women who are IF dread this, it so depressing. You get home, are together with your husband (although you both know it won't result in a baby), and 2 weeks later you're niddah again. I wish I didn't have to go.
If the depression of going wasn't enough, the mikvah attendants can also add to your woes. I remember one who was highly pregnant, another one who was convinced I was someone else and asked me how the new baby was and another who cheerfully called me "one of her regulars".
This time I went to a mikvah slightly further away, hoping that it might be less stressful. When I got there, the attendant had forgotten I was coming, so all the rooms were taken and I had to wait (despite making an appointment). It was already late, so I called my husband to ask him if I should go to the other, bigger mikvah in town. I was a little agitated, but my husband said to wait.
I calmed down, and apologized to the attendant for being rude, and explained that we were having fertility issues, had been married for a while, and mikvah night was always stressful. A room then came free, and in I went. As I paid on the way out the attendant said she remembered me because I was married a few weeks before in the same hall as her son. She'd seen my wedding when meeting the manager. We chatted for a few minutes, asked me how things were. She then just knocked me over with here final comment: that she was happy but tired as her son (the one who was married after me) was staying for Yom Tov, together with his 3 little kids.

Excuse me while I go insane

2007-10-03T13:31:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhh, what is it with the IVF clinics we go to? Both were chosen by Rabbis (not me)and both SUCK.

I've had over 20 tests in their "pre-IVF" screening, and that's not enough for them. I have no more body fluids to offer, sorry!

Then we have our IVF nurse Natalia who seems to have an exteme phone phobia. I call and call, and until I leave a ever-so slightly shouty voice message, ol'Nat won't get back to me. I also requested that this be an IVF cycle, rather than IUI as its more successful. Our insurance only covers up to $30,000 for infertility, and the clinic charges $15,000 per cycle, if its IUI or IVF, so lets go with what works.

$15,000 a cycle and they can't even return my calls? I'm going to loose my mind.

Challah Ahoy!

2007-09-03T16:26:00.000-07:00

Well, new IVF Doc has banned NAJM from taking the Zoloft that helped her do such sophisticated things as get out of bed before noon. On a good day I might have even shed my PJ's and put on some proper clothes.

Ah, those wonderful days!

It case you haven't noticed, Yom Tov is creeping upon us. All that time spent with family and friends. Not surprisingly i'm not looking forward to it.

Still, my tantrums and sulking will do nothing. I thought I'd make a bumper batch of challah, not the usual small amount I bake because theres only the two of us.

So, please give me names of people for kinderlach, shidduch etc, I can recite when I take challah.

Have a good week!!

Stupid, stupid, stupid :(

2007-08-21T14:50:00.000-07:00

How do I manage to mess my life up so very often? The latest is that over the summer I was offered a good job teaching high school. I really don't use my yiddish much anymore, and this would give me a chance to use it again. I had a test lesson today, which just flopped. I was also told that personally I'm much too quiet and need more 'snap'. The school is much more MO than the ones I've been to, and I guess their teaching methods are are bit different. The result is that they still want me to teach (how many yiddish teachers are available a week before school starts?), but will help me with teaching methods.

I'm going to turn it down, as nice as they were, it seems more hassle than its worth, and the money wasn't too good. However, I told my other job that I wasn't coming back last week. 40 + hours a week was just too much. They were less than happy. Yep, I burnt those bridges good and proper.

My husband has serious debts from his first marriage/ divorce (which he neglected to tell me about before we married), and he's annoyed that I managed to lose two jobs, and will have little or no income.

Part of me is relieved, those of us who are TTC know what a drain on time it is. Appointments, follow up calls, plus feeling sick from all the drugs they merrily inject into your body.

I feel so stupid, trapped and angry at myself. We need that money- what was I thinking when I turned down one job and left another.

Do I need more money, or just much more bitochen?

So Not Normal

2007-08-20T09:58:00.000-07:00

All this IF stuff changes you, your outlook, and the way you react to other women's pregnancies. You become obsessed, bitter, slightly nutty about other people getting and staying pregnant (how do they managed it?) Years of trying, numerous doctors who mutter "oh, you'll have no problem having a baby!" Countless broches from Rebbes, every sugulah possible, davening, davening, davening, HYSTERICAL TEARS whilst davening, relaxing and not really trying... well have not resulted in a child yet, and you can't help but feel aggrieved when someone announces their expecting.

Your behaviour becomes even more psycho when a friend announces a "oops pregnancy" as the lovely Soper would say. They top it off by saying they managed to conceive the first month of trying. Well, fancy that! You stop calling them because you can't get through the call without your voice breaking, you send them a few polite emails. What are you supposed to do?

Although I have no real friends here in Unfriendly Town, I have all but stopped going out. A quick trip to the store here, perhaps a shiur if the speaker is good. That's about all.

One Rabbi suggested we move apartments, so we're in the middle of doing that right now. You know 'A change in place, a change in mazel'. Let's wait and see.

Kol Tov!

BabyBlues

2007-08-16T06:46:00.000-07:00

Dead baby would have been 10 months today. I still cry for him/her everyday.

Deja Vu time!

2007-08-15T11:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back, but sadly with no news. Well, of course I have news, since March stuff has happened. I didn't climb into a protective bubble with various snacks and magazines, and sleep til now. How I wish I had. More people a pregnant or had babies, including those whose wedding I happily danced at.

Today we were kvater again at a bris. Don't get me wrong, it was a beautiful mitzva, please G-d we will be holding our own son at his bris soon, and what a honor to be chosen. Still, I felt like a public announcement-"Yes folks, we're infertile! Yes, we're been married that long, but no live kids yet!" You could see people doing the math. I'm pretty sure I'll find a bakers shop worth of challah on my doorstep before Shabbos. Thanks for thinking of us, but I'd rather find a baby on the step any day.

If I had a $...

2007-03-23T12:16:00.000-07:00

...for every mazel tov (or shana tova) I've given over the last few weeks, well, I'd actually be able to pay my medical bills (as opposed to stuffing them into a draw with the rest of their evil friends).

Yes, dear reader, the baby dust has been liberally sprinkled onto everyone but me. At work my manager is stressing as 3 special ed teachers are due in the summer. The office isn't that big, so it's a chunk of the workforce. In the local Jewish community, well, it could just be a spring thing, but I seem to be surrounded by women in materity clothes. But, the two which have really been hard were a couple of baby boys born to women who's weddings' I attended with my husband. Why haven't we been blessed with kinderlach so quickly and easily?

To add to my misery (and to my already crazy chocolate consumption), its been a year since I had my miscarriage. So for all those who said "you'll get pregnant again soon! I/ My Sister/ Daughter/ etc had a miss, and two/ three/ etc months later was pregnant again!" Well, how wrong you were...

Blog, where are you?

2007-03-04T20:03:00.000-08:00

Hmmmm, my first steps into cyberspace didn't go well. Blogger very unkindly decided to eat my first post.

Will this one survive?