Stupid, stupid, stupid :(

How do I manage to mess my life up so very often? The latest is that over the summer I was offered a good job teaching high school. I really don't use my yiddish much anymore, and this would give me a chance to use it again. I had a test lesson today, which just flopped. I was also told that personally I'm much too quiet and need more 'snap'. The school is much more MO than the ones I've been to, and I guess their teaching methods are are bit different. The result is that they still want me to teach (how many yiddish teachers are available a week before school starts?), but will help me with teaching methods.

I'm going to turn it down, as nice as they were, it seems more hassle than its worth, and the money wasn't too good. However, I told my other job that I wasn't coming back last week. 40 + hours a week was just too much. They were less than happy. Yep, I burnt those bridges good and proper.

My husband has serious debts from his first marriage/ divorce (which he neglected to tell me about before we married), and he's annoyed that I managed to lose two jobs, and will have little or no income.

Part of me is relieved, those of us who are TTC know what a drain on time it is. Appointments, follow up calls, plus feeling sick from all the drugs they merrily inject into your body.

I feel so stupid, trapped and angry at myself. We need that money- what was I thinking when I turned down one job and left another.

Do I need more money, or just much more bitochen?

So Not Normal

All this IF stuff changes you, your outlook, and the way you react to other women's pregnancies. You become obsessed, bitter, slightly nutty about other people getting and staying pregnant (how do they managed it?) Years of trying, numerous doctors who mutter "oh, you'll have no problem having a baby!" Countless broches from Rebbes, every sugulah possible, davening, davening, davening, HYSTERICAL TEARS whilst davening, relaxing and not really trying... well have not resulted in a child yet, and you can't help but feel aggrieved when someone announces their expecting.

Your behaviour becomes even more psycho when a friend announces a "oops pregnancy" as the lovely Soper would say. They top it off by saying they managed to conceive the first month of trying. Well, fancy that! You stop calling them because you can't get through the call without your voice breaking, you send them a few polite emails. What are you supposed to do?

Although I have no real friends here in Unfriendly Town, I have all but stopped going out. A quick trip to the store here, perhaps a shiur if the speaker is good. That's about all.

One Rabbi suggested we move apartments, so we're in the middle of doing that right now. You know 'A change in place, a change in mazel'. Let's wait and see.

Kol Tov!

BabyBlues

Dead baby would have been 10 months today. I still cry for him/her everyday.

Deja Vu time!

Well, I'm back, but sadly with no news. Well, of course I have news, since March stuff has happened. I didn't climb into a protective bubble with various snacks and magazines, and sleep til now. How I wish I had. More people a pregnant or had babies, including those whose wedding I happily danced at.

Today we were kvater again at a bris. Don't get me wrong, it was a beautiful mitzva, please G-d we will be holding our own son at his bris soon, and what a honor to be chosen. Still, I felt like a public announcement-"Yes folks, we're infertile! Yes, we're been married that long, but no live kids yet!" You could see people doing the math. I'm pretty sure I'll find a bakers shop worth of challah on my doorstep before Shabbos. Thanks for thinking of us, but I'd rather find a baby on the step any day.