14 w 4d

B"H, all appears to be well. We had a tough first 12 weeks, which included a trip to ER and major panic over HCG numbers. Still, everything measured ok at 12 weeks and so here we are at 14 weeks and 4 days.

We're not doing any testing, so the next big appointment is not until the 20 weeks scan. I hope my anxiety levels don't increase. I'm finding it hard, as most of the classic pregnancy symptoms have gone, and I'm sitting here wondering if the baby is still growing. The IVF clinic spoilt us by doing a scan every 2 weeks for 8 weeks. It was amazing to see him/her growing, sucking their thumb, kicking their legs. It's something I miss so much.

The OB wants me to see a psychologist about the anxiety. I don't feel it's needed, and given that it's fuel by factors that I can't control (something happening to the baby, my marriage, financial worries), I'm not sure its worth me schlepping miles on the bus to see one.

The little embryo that could?

Went to my GP yesterday to have my HCG levels checked. B"H, they'd increased from 139 on Wednesday to 1125 on Sunday.

Nice increase, but low numbers for 5 weeks pregnant.

Thanks for all your comments. Ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday, so we'll see how the bean is progressing.

What was I thinking?

I'd actually begun to think that I might be having a baby. You know, just like all those other women I see on my block, in shul, in the store. I was going to be like any other frum woman around here. Busy with her kids, kvetching about school fees, being like a typical frummy mommy.

Yesterdays beta was low. I had only gone from 37 to 149 in a week. The ultrasound did show implantation, and the blob we saw on screen was measuring at 4 weeks 4 days, which is only one day less than it should be.

I asked the clinic to repeat the bloodwork tomorrow, but they refused. I have to wait until next wednesday for a follow up appointment.

Just how I'll get through this week, I don't know. I'm sick of waiting for results, waiting for my life to start, waiting for my husband to finally grow up and be an adult. I'm sick of waiting to be happy.

What a difference a day makes

The final beta showed that the numbers had more than doubled, which I guess means I'm, well,um,

PREGNANT!!!!!

3 out of 3

Used the 3rd and final pregnancy test.

Negative.

Final beta tomorrow.

Another waste of time and money

11dpo- finally caved in and bought a home pregnancy test. 3 in fact, at a cost of $20 that I really can't spare.

Of course, I got my usual one line negative reading.

I keep trying to convince myself it's way to early. But a negative with no pregnancy symptoms doesn't point to a happy ending.

Second beta is on Thursday. The first blood test was this morning, but the clinic won't give out results until the second test. We'll have to wait and see.

Well...

...the good news is the doc ok'd PIO until after the beta.

The not-so-good-news is 4dpt (9dpo) not a single pregnancy symptom. With my other pregnancies I had symptoms after 7dpo.

I'm trying not to worry, but it's difficult not to. In the back of my mind I also stress over how we'll afford another cycle, as most of our insurance has been used up. I don't think Bonei Olam will help as my husband earns too much (but sadly also owes much more). One thought we had was for me to move to Israel and get treatment there. My husband could possibly work out there for 6 months, but after that he'd want to come back here.

So many questions! I hope you, dear reader, are having a much happier time. If not, I've just baked some delicious chocolate Brownies and I'm happy to share them with you.

A pulling out hair moment

Well, it would be if I had much under my sheital.

G-d willing we transfer tomorrow. However, when checking the procedure time with one of the nurses, I was informed that after transfer I'm off PIO injections and only take Prometrium.

Now most people would be happy being told to stop stabbing themselves with a needle 2x a day, but not me. My last cycle failed because for some reason my body refused to absorb Prometrium. Nobody can explain why, it just didn;t.

As much as I loathe the injections, I feel that they are a tried and tested way of delivering the hormone. Yes, there is research that says gel etc does just a good a job, but it simply doesn't work for me.

I hope the doc will see it my way and continue with the PIO. I don't want to argue with her, but the clinic seem adamant that it stops after transfer. We'll have to wait until the morning to find out.

FYI

For those of you who haven't experienced it, OHSS is painful. Very painful.

Until the OHSS, this cycle was pretty uneventful. Now I'm curled up in bed, finding every movement painful.

Please Hashem, let this treatment work. I can't keep on going through this.

Here we go...again

Well, I'm sure you won't be surprised to hear that very little has been going on here in Unfriendly Town. Living in Beis NAJM is about exciting as watching alfalfa grow. Possibly even less so.

Lots of people have had babies. Of course I'm not among those people.

I quit my job.

We went from being up to the eye balls in debt to being way way over our heads ( me not working didn't exactly improve matters).

I consider leaving my marriage at least once a day.

I have 2 new best friends. Their names are Zoloft and Xanax.

So, in the midst of all this, what's the most logical thing to do? Yes, thats right START ANOTHER IVF CYCLE!!!